How to Apologize Correctly: Part 3
Part three provides tips on how you can correctly apologize. These tips will help you in ways beyond apologizing. The tips can be applied in many areas of your life and communication as you will soon see. Part three of this course provides you with a guideline of more effective communication in your everyday life too enjoy better relationships.
Some people think apologizing correctly is as simple as saying “sorry” for a mistake. This is a shallow and poorly defined understanding of what we try to achieve when apologizing. The goal of apologizing and what I define as “apologizing correctly” is: when the person you hurt accepts your apology, forgives you, and your relationship is either stronger or indifferent to when you made the mistake. According to this definition, if you keep screwing up by making mistake after mistake, you will have successfully apologized when your relationship does not get hurt NO matter the number of your faults or their seriousness. The person neither rejects your apology by saying something like “no need to apologize” nor holds your mistake against you.
“The person you hurt accepts your apology, forgives you, and your relationship is either stronger or indifferent to when you made the mistake.”How do you know when you apologized correctly? It isn’t too tough to know this answer once you know what apologizing correctly involves. Remember that a successfully apology is accepted and the mistake is basically “forgotten”. The person forgives you for your mistake and your relationship is not hurt. Resentment, frustration, anger, gossip, bitterness, ill will, and other outward manifestations of hatred are indications of someone who has not forgiven you and hence you did not apologize successfully.
Having defined a successful apology, I feel it is important to note that apologizing correctly can only do so much as you will learn in part five of the course. There is no iron-clad, fool proof, guaranteed technique to successfully apologize. Sometimes you will need to suffer your mistakes and bear their punishment. Apologizing can only be a bandage on a wound where it helps heal the pain. If the wound is repeatedly reopened, then it is not the bandage’s fault. In reality, someone can only forgive you so many times before they lose trust in you. A reoccuring problem needs to be dealt with instead of expecting an apology to make amends.
Apologizing correctly can be very difficult, but with the following tips you will be fixing your mistakes and repairing your relationships. Master these tips and you will be equipped with the tools to repair the emotional damage caused from your mistakes.
Responsibility
Admit you hurt the person. If you hurt the person by saying something offensive, admit that you made the mistake and do not say they “Shouldn’t be offended by what you said.” Remember a non-apology from part two - Barriers and Mistakes Made in Apologizing - where it involves putting the blame on the other person while simulatenously ‘apologizing’? Remember the politicians and public apologies? Here are more examples of a non-apology apology:
“I’m sorry for not mowing the lawn even though it does not require cutting.”
“I apologize if I hurt anyone.”
“Please take my apology if you were offended by what I said.”
Own up to the mistake and take responsibility regardless of your intentions and whether it truly hurt the person. The little voice that is trying to take you away from accepting responsibility and apologizing is your ego. Egos are filled with deceitful lies and pride trying to deter you from responsibilility and owning up to your mistakes.
Plan
Planning what you are about to say by thinking your apology through beforehand or writing your apology down to clarify your thoughts, will increase your chances of successfully apologizing. This technique is about preparing yourself so you give a sincerely successful apology. Planning helps you eliminate the potential room for error of making another mistake when apologizing because we fail, stuff up, and make mistakes all the time. It is human nature.
When intense emotions are being spat-out like in an argument, it is hard enough to think of what you want to express yet alone say it in a non-destructive manner. Intense emotions are blinding to successfully expressing your thoughts non-destructively. Planning your thoughts before going “live” with your apology will drastically increase the likelihood of a successful apology. A plan gives you guidelines of which to act from helping you to keep on track and not deviate with relationship damaging statements all too common in emotionally intense situations.
The same lesson in planning to achieve your life goals carry over into apologizing. Success stems from the seeds planted with planning. Do not take this advice lightly. Planning nutures “golden” relationships.
Timing
For a little problem you need to apologize straight away and prevent it from growing into a big one. It is very simple. If you accidentally step on someone’s foot, obviously you should say “sorry” straight away instead of apologizing at a later time in writing or until the next time you see them. (I’m sure the person will think you have got some serious problems if you write an apology for stepping on their foot. ;))
For a more serious problem, take the time to get in a good environment where you can honestly apologize and where they can safely respond. Do not hurt yourself and the other person more by “going into a boiling room” so to speak by trying to apologize when the two of you have red hot steaming emotions. As said earlier in the course, if emotions are hot and intense, you may need to wait for a later time to apologize until the emotions cool down.
In addition, it may be necessary to give the person time once you have apologized. Provide the person with extra space to let the person come to terms with what has happened. Letting your apology seep in could be what makes your apology successful.
Explain
Why did you make the mistake? Do you even know that you made a mistake?
You should be able to realize when you hurt someone, but if you do not, the other person’s reaction will let you know. Depending on your mistake, explain to the person that you did not see them there, that you let your anger get the better of you, that you were ignorant, that you should have understood them better, or whatever the case maybe.
When explaining, do not forget responsibility. It is tempting when explaining your mistake, to shift the explanation onto the other person. You start off by saying “I’m sorry for not taking out the garbage…” then your selfishness can kick in and you say “…but I always take out the rubbish and you don’t ever do it!” Explain the problem, but don’t divert it into being the other person’s problem.
Use the who, what, why, when, and how to get you started in explaining your mistake. You do not need to explain everything, just say what you think will help the most and will clear up the understanding between the two of you.
Sympathy
Sympathy is an expression of pain the person you hurt is likely feeling. Communicating sympathy is important to let the person know you are hurting from your mistakes. You need to show sorrow about your actions. Share the other person’s pain by reflecting your feelings about the mistake by saying something as simple as:
“I’m sorry I lied to you. I feel guilty that I’ve let you down.”
“Having scratched the car, I feel ashamed that something so careless will hurt our finances.”
“I feel I have let you down and hurt our relationship by yelling at you.”
A common misunderstanding with sympathy is you are focusing on yourself and diverting attention away from the hurt person. Sympathy is about showing the person you too are suffering from your blunder. You are opening yourself up by showing the mistake had a bad effect on you. The other person becomes more understanding and willing to discuss their feelings because you have expressed yours.
You could even say, the other person is happy to receive this little bit of secret revenge by seeing you suffer. I mean if someone hurts us, we sometimes get a little kick of happiness seeing the other person also suffered from their actions.
How Did It Go?
Was your apology a failure? A failing apology has got nothing personally to do with you. Failure is a result not a person. If you are certain you successfully applied all these tips and your apology did not work, then part four of the course on alternative ways to apologize will be of your assistance as well as part five on what to do when you are not forgiven.
Was your apology successful? Congratulations. Be grateful for the person’s forgiveness and for a second chance. You may find your relationship becomes stronger then what it was before. You will reduce your pride and become more focused on how others feel. Your gratitude will bring many more great events into your life.
About the Author
Joshua Uebergang is owner of http://www.EarthlingCommunication.com where he teaches people effective communication skills and personal development. His work is recognised by communication, personal development, and psychology experts, authors, and public speakers. He encourages you to get the amazing benefits you can receive in your life from developing yourself and communication skills by getting your free subscription to his self development and communication skills newsletter here. Signup now and receive a special bonus.
*SINewswatch would like to thank Joshua Uebergang for granting permission to reprint this blog article.
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