This part two of a five part course called “Clumbsy Little Earthlings” to do with apologizing.
Learning the correct actions and methods to apologize is not enough. It greatly helps your understanding and success if you not only know what to do, but also what not to do. The second part reveals to you the barriers and problems many Earthlings face when apologizing to people. Common barriers, mistakes, and problems in apologizing are discussed.
You are also going to learn about something called a non-apology apology. If you are into politics you definitely would have experience with a non-apology apology! Anyway, I am sure you would have used this technique sometime in your life as a way of escaping a situation where you did not want to apologize.
Barriers to Apologizing
You know how important apologizing is now, but you just can not bring yourself to doing it. Maybe you are experiencing excessive workloads and stress. Maybe you do not have the guts to confront the person face-to-face. If this is the case, I encourage you to build your confidence and throw away your pride. You will be glad you did.
As explained in part one The Power of Apologizing, we often do not apologize because of fear. Why are you scared? Do you even know what you are afraid of? Our fears possess extreme amounts of power that many times we do not even know why we are afraid. The fear completely irrationalizes our minds blurring our thoughts as to what we actually fear. By consciously challenging your fears and knowing exactly what you are afraid of you will be far more self-aware and be prepared for interpersonal communication success.
The primary fear I would say people are afraid of when apologizing is the idea that apologizing puts down your protective shield leaving you vulnerable for an attack by the other person. You fear the ramifications of your actions. They think the problem is best left in the dark and apologizing will bring it to light and worsen the problem.
A part of this fear may actually be real because the topic you are discussing could be bottled-up inside of you and the other person. By apologizing you could be “opening up a bottle of softdrink” and depending how shaken the two of you are, a lot of “fizz” could come out. Anger, confrontation, and frustration will shoot-out when either of you are shaken up and have not opened up too the other person. Being humble, calm, and losing a self-centered approach will ensure this controlling fear does not prevent you from apologizing. If the fear is minor, you just simply need to tell the person your fear and why you have it before apologizing. That itself is truly powerful and opens communication right up.
You must remember that being scared of facing the person is coming from the desire to protect yourself. You have a fear of responsibility for your own actions. Do not expect the person to treat you like an angel. After all, you did screw up otherwise you would not be apologizing in the first place. If you do not own up now, it will come back at you harder and at a worse time. You will later on learn more about timing your apology.
Another likely barrier to you apologizing is that you are scared apologizing is a sign of weakness. With this train of thought you think the other person receives a superior power over you. “Bahaha. I’m better than you. You apologized!” Yeah right. By not apologizing you are weak because you have an extreme imbalance between your courage to apologize and your big headed ego. When asking for forgiveness, your self-centeredness lowers, your courage rises, and balance exists with you and the other person.
Your goal in apologizing is not to keep what pride you have alive or to let the other person ‘win’. You should be aiming to keep and develop a good relationship. There are no winners or losers. The two of you are on the same team and need to work together. Each of you are 50% in the relationship.
A Non-Apology Apology: Most Common Mistake
Parents teach their children to say please and thank you very early on. They are then later taught to apologize by saying “I’m sorry”. The children are unknowingly taught by parents to say “sorry” to please their mum or dad and not actually mean the apology. These words they are taught do not sink into their minds as they miss the true reason to apologize. I certainly do not blame the little fellas.
From a young age we continue to shy away from true apologies by creating something called a non-apology apology. That is no typo. A non-apology apology is a comment that we feel compelled to say too please the offended person. It is almost an extension of a forceful apology when we were young by our parents, except with the non-apology apology we say it to please the other person out of our own self-will.
If you are after an examples of non-apology apologies, look no further than politicians. These adorable people are jammed packed with this type of apology. I do not mean to pick on politicians, but one example is Bill Clinton’s remarks regarding the Lewinsky scandal. President Clinton confessed his relationship with Lewinsky was “wrong”, but failed to experience guilt. It was said about his talk, that Clinton aimed to protect what he had done. Part of the President’s speech that made it a non-apology apology is:
“It is important to me that everybody who has been hurt know that the sorrow I feel is genuine: first and most important, my family; also my friends, my staff, my Cabinet, Monica Lewinsky and her family, and the American people.”
Another non-apology apology I came across was NFL’s Detroit Lion’s president Matt Millen who used an inappropriate term for gays when confronting a fellow NFL player. He said:
“He made an inappropriate remark, and I reacted inappropriately. I said something I shouldn’t have, which was wrong, and I apologize for that. And I apologize to anybody that I offended with that remark.”
That is absolutely filled with non-apology apologies. Another example I found of many was Pierre Boivin, Montreal Canadiens’ President, when he apologized for fans booing the American national anthem:
“We apologize to anyone who may have been offended by this incident.”
It has become a trend in public apologies to say sorry if you hurt someone. The apology is dependent on the condition someone was hurt and implies the offended has something wrong with oneself. Some more examples:
To show you how easy and delicate apologizing is, check out this apology: “I’m sorry I lied to you. I feel guilty that I’ve let you down”
All you need to do is replace the first sentence with “I’m sorry if I lied to you.” and you’ve destroyed your apology by making it a non-apology apology.
Do you see what kind of apology a non-apology apology is now? We use non-apology apologies to take the heat off ourselves to keep the offended person quite. It puts the onus on those we upset by implying the victim has something wrong. There is no remorse and sorry similar to what I explained with how most young children apologize. It is something you say to please the other person while protecting yourself. You try to shy away from guilt and responsibility by using a non-apology apology.
Becoming aware of these common barriers and mistakes will get you ready to successfully apologize. Knowing what not to do will guide you with what to do. By overcoming these barriers and mistakes you are now ready to heal your relationships and strengthen the damage that set the two of you apart.
About the AuthorHow to Use Color to De-Stress
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