Joshua Uebergang's blog article is reprinted here.
Alternative Ways of Apologizing: Part 4
This is part four of a five part course called “Clumbsy Little Earthlings” to do with apologizing.
In part three, I taught you how to apologize correctly. This part is going to teach you how to leverage part three of the course through the alternative ways you can apologize.
You might be asking yourself “Why should I learn alternative ways of apologizing?
I recommend you learn alternative ways to apologize because not every situation and person is the same. Apologizing face-to-face will work for you in one situation, but it won’t for you in another. You can fix your mistakes in a more effective way by learning alternatives to apologizing directly in person.
Writing
Sometimes talking to the person is not always the thing to do. They may not want to talk to you so any attempt you make in apologizing face-to-face will cause them to be resistant, avoiding, or aggressive. Do not confront the person if talking to the individual will have negative affects. Don’t tip fuel on the fire! In these cases, a written apology is the best answer.
What you don’t want to be doing is writing an apology because you’re scared. You don’t want to be writing apologies based on your fear in facing the other person. Fear to confront the issue and not take personal radical responsibility is a poor motive for writing an apology which has been repeatedly discussed throughout the course. However, this is better then not apologizing at all. Do remember that bypassing fear is cheating yourself and will affect many areas of your life.
The greatest thing about a written apology is the clear expression of what you intend to say and having it received in an effective manner. If I write you an apology for being late to a meeting, do you think you’d be able to interrupt me and not hear my full story? Nope. That’s impossible of course. You read exactly what I have to say. I get my full story across in the way I want and without interuptions. You are not able to interrupt, jump to conclusions, or misjudge me and this benefits both you and I.
By writing your apology you plan and express yourself correctly without the pressures of the moment that cause us to say things mistakenly. You avoid the other person pressuring you with their body language (Especially when the person can burn a hole through you with their stare!) and other distractions that stray us from our conversations. Planning was a tip I offered in apologizing correctly.
Lastly, by writing an apology it shows a true concern for the other person. It doesn’t take much effort to write one, but when you do it shows effort and awareness for the relationship. It shows you have put some serious thought into it. Even if you don’t write the perfect apology you will still benefit. The other person knows you are trying and will be thankful for it. This would likely be true for you when a written letter from someone you frequently see is an uncommon occurance.
For help in how to write an apology there is an article on Earthling Communication written by Peter Pearson. It contains an excellent template you can use to write an effective apology.
Someone Else
Say the person you hurt doesn’t want to hear from you or there is some other rare reason you do not want to apologize face-to-face. Getting someone else to apologize for you is probably the best option. However, there are a few problems with this alternative to apologizing yourself:
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You don’t have any control over what the person will say. While you can recommend things you want them to say, what the person says at the time is ultimately dependent on them and the situation.
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It is best to hear it from the horse’s mouth so to speak. The believability and sincerity is far greater when you apologize for your own mistake. Expect this form of apology to have less impact as you saying it face-to-face.
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It is impersonal to have someone else perform such an emotional intensive action for you.
If the hurt person does not want to talk to you, don’t worry. Refer back to the previous part in the course timing as you may actually not need someone else to apologize for you.
Gift
The good ole bribe! Giving someone a gift as an alternative to saying “sorry” face-to-face works when used sparingly.
If you constantly give gifts as your only way of saying sorry, the other person will be more than happy to keep receiving the gifts, but will only accept them on their face value. The person will not accept the reason behind you giving the gift. They will take the gift (I sure would :)) and likely reject the apology when you use this technique excessively.
Combination
You’ve been given three ways of apologizing in addition to a face-to-face apology. Each alternative form of apology has its own subcategories:
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You can write a note, a letter, an email
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You can use a variety of people
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You can give several gifts ranging from chocolates, a card, or something that solves your mistake. For example, you accidentally deleted someone else’s important files on the computer and you pay to have those files repaired by a professional.
To give you even more ways to apologize, you can combine any ways of apologizing together. Send the person a box of chocolates with a letter of apology and later that day have a friend express how down and sorry you feel about hurting them. You can see there are many ways to apologizing and the only limit is your imagination.
Don’t go overboard with your apologies and make a big issue over something that is small. It is very annoying to have someone constantly say “sorry” or use other forms of apologizing when you have forgiven the person and moved on. When the person has forgiven you, move on.
This lesson taught you the many alternative ways you can apologize to fix your mistakes. By using face-to-face apologizing, writing, gifts, someone else, and combinations, you’ll by fixing your mistakes in no time.
About the Author
Joshua Uebergang is owner of http://www.EarthlingCommunication.com where he teaches people effective communication skills and personal development. His work is recognised by communication, personal development, and psychology experts, authors, and public speakers. He encourages you to get the amazing benefits you can receive in your life from developing yourself and communication skills by getting your free subscription to his self development and communication skills newsletter here. Signup now and receive a special bonus.
*SINewswatch would like to thank Joshua Uebergang for granting permission to reprint this blog article.
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